Deac in a Box is a tough guy

It's only day two, but the deac's team - the mighty Deac in a Box - is in first place. Mocked at draft time for being a #4 pick overall, K-Fed has already done his part, scoring 1 point for maybe, kinda/sorta, possibly dating someone. Stay tuned for more hard-pounding anal-
ysis as only the deac can bring!

Youreafirecrotch is a tough guy

The Youreafirecrotch Celebrity Fantasy League has begun! The deac's roster currently consists of:

• Rosie O'Donnell
• Madonna
• K-Fed
• Cameron Diaz
• Paul McCartney
• Heather Mills
• Scarlett Johannson
• Kirsten Dunst
• Jude Law

Not bad, if the deac does say so himself.

Christmas: The deleted scenes

Here's a look at the post that didn't make it on Friday:

Ho!.............................Ho!.......................Ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas

From Mr. and Mrs. Deac,

Merry Christmas!

>Cough<

The deac extends a hearty "thank you" to Ry for sharing his thoughts, his dreams, and his germs with the deac last night. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a fever and cough.

Stacy is a tough guy

Back at work for only two days, and already Stacy reminds us of just how tough she is.

A sampling of today's greatest hits:

This-Ketchup-Is-Too-Spicy Stacy: Wanna come ovah fuh dinnah? I got this recipe fuh Spicy Basil Chicken.
Deac: So, you're making basil chicken, huh?

On IM:
Stacy (2:10 pm): yo
Ry (2:10 pm): yo
Stacy (2:41 pm): yo
Ry (2:41 pm): uh, you yo'd first

Round 1 of the playoffs: Tough Guys Win!

Here are the results of this past weekends various bowls:

• Philly Bowl: In a squeaker, fiftyohms narrowly defeated Philly Domination 110-93. Apollo, the god of war, takes the Greasy Cheesesteak and advances to the next round.
  
• Toilet Bowl: Nachooo!!! defeated thee buffalo toahs soundly, in a 123-95 decision. The Golden Plunger goes to Brandon, manager of Team Nachooo!!!!
• Downtown Bowl: In an absolute heartbreaker, Cinderella story square edged out no. 1 seed #30 hates er by a score of 99-98. It doesn't get any closer than this, folks. ONE POINT! ONE POINT!!
  
• The SUPER BOWL: LODAMERCY 183 - THE NO-WIN ZONE 86
  

Welcome to the Semifinals, ladies!

StacyBack

The deac is bringin' Stacy back

After a 16-day hiatus, she has returned from her adventures in Ecuador...and not a moment tew sewn! Ew Ew Ew!

Blowouts are a tough guy

Super Bowl update: With 3 players still left to play, Lodamercy leads the (formerly) surging The No-Spin Zone

157 - 72

Strange.

Holiday Party!

Tonight is the deac's Holiday Party. Sadly, with Ry gone, there will be no more moments like these:

Truly, great moments in drinking

Fantasy Playoffs are a tough guy

With the Dave Meggett vs. Er playoffs set to begin tomorrow, the deacster would like to offer his readers a preview of the upcoming matches:

1. The Downtown Bowl: #30 hates Er vs. square
• The battle of the downtown NYC workers. The Friday lunch crew will be ripped asunder as RJ battles Geoff "Magneto" Leigh for 2/3 line supremacy. These guys put the "special" in special teams.
2. The Philly Bowl: fiftyohms vs. Philly Domination
• It's the Pat's vs. Gino's of Fantasy Football.
  
3. The Toilet Bowl: Nachooooo!!! vs. thee buffalo toahs
• This one's gonna get ugly. The deac prefers not to comment on this
  
4. The SUPER BOWL: Lodamercy vs. The No-Spin Zone
• The deac graciously wishes his opponent the best of luck. (And wishes not to jinx himself this time by talking smack)

Christmas Shopping is a tough guy

What's harder than finding two $50 unisex gifts for a grab bag? Finding this guy a date:

Vomit is a tough guy

Not more than 20 minutes ago, yours tooly - the deac - saw someone vomit in front of him. Right in front of his office building. The deac knows what you're thinking: "Isn't Er out of town, and why was he in front of your building?" Well, you'd be right on both accounts. Said yakker looked to be a thirtysomething female. Why she was falling-down drunk at 7 pm on a Monday, the world will never know.

Safety is a tough guy

As if the cold, windy weather weren't bad enough, look at what's posted on the door directly across the entrance to the deac's office (literally 40 feet from his desk):

The deac ain't running away, though. There's revenue to be recognized for the company before the end of the year!

Still busy

The deac's still wicked busy, so why don't you entertain yourselves by making your own dang captions? The deac'll get you started:

"Heil Antler"

"Please make us tough guys of the day" (Your welcome!)*

The ladies can't keep their clothes on around this Cool Guy

(Left to right: Cool Guy, Stacy, Maribel, Janelle, Jerry, The Shartist Currently Known as Er)

* Yeah, the deac knows "you're" is spelled incorrectly, Sherlock.

Busy as f

Seeing as how the deac's busy with work, and he's sitting atop the "Dave Meggett vs. Er" league, he figures he'll kill two birds in the bush: (1) less work distraction for him AND (2) pseudo-fantasy sports tips. Occupy yourselves with this. Comedy will return tomorrow.

Macaque is a tough guy

As China, continues its genetic experiments (first metioned in a June 6 post on this very blah-g), this time producing dogs that walk on 2 legs...

...an undisclosed scientiest is holding macaque.

The Internet is a tough guy

The deac's having connection problems today. He'll be glad once this internets fad is over. To hell with this series of tubes!

Mistaken Identity is a tough guy

At the My Morning Jacket show last night, a drunken concertgoer was kind enough to alert the deac to the fact that he bears a striking resemblance to Hiro Nakamura from Heroes. If the deac actually were Hiro, he'd go back in time, to the night that guy was conceived, and tell the guy's father to drive a little further down the road and pick a different hooker.

It's early

So, someone called a 9 a.m. meeting for today. The deac shows up early (for the first time ever), and, wouldn't you know it, nobody's here. It's, it's not funny. It's not fun.

Science is a tough guy

According to a recent study out of England, "women talk almost three times as much as men, with the average woman chalking up 20,000 words in a day." Apart from "dinner's ready," and "here is your beer," what else is there to say?

Enjoy minutes of fun...

...with the Borat soundboard.

Fashion is a tough guy

He's back from vacation, and the deac has just one (and only one) comment about this picture, taken over the weekend:Why are they only wearing one stocking each?

That's all. Just wondering.

A Special Holiday Greeting from the Deac

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, YOU BARBARIANS!

Baseball Writers are a tough guy

Derek Jeter is in stable condition after being robbed this afternoon by Minnesota Twin Justin Morneau. Jeter is in good spirits, and is expected to make a full recovery.

Dave's Gourmet is a tough guy

This past Saturday, a new standard of tough was set. If you think you're tough enough to make it onto this blah-g, think again. Though nearly everyone had a taste (everyone except "This ketchup is tew spicy" Fojas), one person emerged as the toughest of us all. Managing to eat one fingerful, and four french fries slathered with Dave's Gourmet Roasted Garlic hot sauce, this tough guy set a new benchmark of excellence. Who was this bastion of toughness? Why, it was none other than THE DEAC HIMSELF! (Honorable mention: Janelle came a distant second.)

Reunited and it feels so tough

The deac is back from his 4-day vacation, ready to bring 10 seconds of toughness to your otherwise miserable days. Some Hoax III tough guy highlights:

• Sitting in the front row of off-Broadway play Altar Boyz, and getting inadvertently spit on by the actors
• Mistakenly going to the Museum of Natural History twice
• Riding a "non-junk-friendly" bicycle seat for 25 miles, and feeling it the next morning
• Being repeatedly referred to as "Asian Guy" at the Comedy Cellar
• Coming in second place in the Watson Adventure, but winning a free scavenger hunt coupon
• Going to the Knicks-Cavs game, and finding the celebrity sightings more interesting than the game itself
  
• Hearing a four-year-old ask his mom, "What's that ball hanging from the tiger's butt?" and then hearing about the difference between girl and boy tigers.

Has anyone ever had a tougher vacation? The deac doubts it.

Vacations are a tough guy

Hoax III by the numbers thus far:

• 11 - hours spent working
• 2 - number of visits to the office
• 23 - number of minutes on hold with tech support, waiting for VPN restoration
• 0 - number of hat cheeks the deac's met
  

Clearly, the deac is having as much fun as these people are:

Triumph International is a tough guy

The brilliant Japanese have done it again! Triumph International of Japan has created a bra that converts into a shopping bag. Finally, something that will hold your jugs and your jugs. Get yours today, ladies.

Hubba Hubba

Newly separated, Britney's looking fit again and is in NYC. The deac's going to splash on a little Polo Sport, throw a little pomade into the 'do, roam the streets, and see what happens.

Check out her new hairstyle. Pregnancy usually causes hair to grow, but HOLY COW.

Say it ain't so!

Britney Spears has decided to split from husband Kevin Federline, bringing the number of shocking Hollywood divorces this year to 0.

Tyler Brayton is a tough guy

Last night, on Monday Night Football, Tyler Drayton did this to Jerramy Stevens. A similar thing occurred the last time the deac asked a hat cheek out to dinner.

Theft is a tough guy

The deac is incensed! How did Yahoo! find a childhood photo of him?! How?! HOW?!?!

King of Poop is a tough guy

A special "Your tough" goes to Yoko for sending this video. Unfortunately, the song isn't on iTunes yet. Here's to hoping!

T.O. is a tough guy.

Sleeping in meetings? The deac and T.O. must be distant relatives.

Lost is a tough guy

If you missed Lost last night, you missed a doozy. After four weeks of slow-moving storylines, and meandering plots, the writers sprung one hell of a shocker on viewers. In an episode that will no doubt be seen as the high point of season 3...

..."new" castaway Nikki was finally given decent screen time!

Nikki's introduction has already shaken the show to its core; the reigning hot chick triumvirate of Kate, Claire, and Rose must now make way for this fetching newcomer.

Damn you, Lost! Damn you and your abundance of eye candy! After a five-month pardon, you're tough and you're back on notice.

Oh, yeah, Eko died last night, too. Baw, snewze.

Fighting Crime is a tough guy

When you're in need...
When crime is at its worst...
Who will come to your aid???

NACHO FOJAS!

Who strikes fear in the hearts of evildoers?

NACHO FOJAS!

Who knits the meanest sweatahs this side of the Hudson?

NACHO FOJAS!

Who can stretch a one-syllable word for a long as it takes? It's tuh-roo! It's...

NACHO FOJAS!


In this episode, Nacho battles The Reluctant Participant:

Distracted by Nacho's sexy outfit, Reluctant Participant is caught off guard

RP: "Why did I agree to this?"

Tune in next week for the Continuing Adventures of Nacho Fojas.

The No-Win Zone...now that's more like it

Erlose lives up to his name and is now 1-1. All is right with the world.

MN 10/30 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 31 MINNESOTA VIKINGS 7

tom brady and the new england patriots threw the ball all over the field to the tune of 372 passing yards in trouncing the minnesota vikings 31-7 last night. apparently, being on the cover of gq, dressing like a homeless guy (as described by tk), and losing your clutch kicker make you even tougher than anyone can imagine.

the loss evens my record to 1-1 on the season. come back next week for a thriller... oakland raiders, hot off a 2-game win streak, visiting the seattle seahawks without madden-cursed shaun "i'm not the third barber triplet" alexander and pro bowl qb matt hasselcrap. how is this good for espn?

Halloween...yummmmmmmm

What's better than Halloween, kids? Nothing. For, on what other day of the year can you, like the deac, see a group of five hat cheeks walk into your office building dressed in what can only be described as handkerchiefs, and not find it unusual?

Sexy time is a tough guy

3 days left!

The No-Win Zone, Week 2

Because no one demanded it, here's Erlose with Week 2 of the No-Win Zone

welcome back, folks! let's see if we can keep up the winning streak on mnf... it will hopefully make up for my putrid 2-4 record yesterday...

first, for our local fans, congratulations to rutgers for winning a somewhat close and ugly game last night against uconn...unfortunately, not covering the spread... but nonetheless, vaulting themselves to a record of 8-0 and to a national ranking of 12,
according to sak's googletalk message.

back to the mnf game... this century's nfl dynasty, the new england patriots, travels to minnesota to face the new purple people eaters in tonight's mnf game. talk about respect, vegas insiders and the deacster have proclaimed the patriots as two-point favorites on the road... namely because of their qb tom brady and their head coach bill belichick.

i pose three quesitons to you, dear reader:

1) how tough can a qb really be when he was featured on the cover of the magazine GQ?

2) how tough can a coach be who only wears oversized hooded sweatshirts?

3) how tough can a team be without the greatest clutch kicker in nfl history?

we will see tonight.

my prediction: the purple people eaters win outright tonight in a tight game 17-16, on a late 43-yd field goal by tough guy of the night ryan longwell.

check back tomorrow.

last week: 1-0
season: 1-0

For those in the audience who have no idea what he's talking about, here's a translation: You should probably be home cooking dinner and making babies.

Hoax III is a tough guy

In two weeks, Hoax III: Anarchy Across New York begins. The first stop will be Madison Square Garden, where the New York Knicks will take on the Cleveland Cavaliers. Other scheduled stops include the 5-borough bar crawl, an off-Broadway play (not the deac's idea), dinosaurs, museums, etc.

The deac and Yoko will be auditioning applicants for the roles of Happy Tree and Tom Servo. Hat cheeks only, please.

Seven more days

Success!

JACK BAUER IS A TOUGH GUY

Jack is back.

And Yoko is on crack.

The Giants are a tough guy

The Giants out-toughed the Dallas Cowboys on Monday Night Football. Here with a recap is Erlose:

MNF 10/23: NY GIANTS 36 DALLAS COWBOYS 22

with the defense posting six sacks, three interceptions, and a safety, the new york football giants crushed america's team 36-22, in the end easily covering vegas and the no-win zone line. with quite a few tackles for a loss, batted passes, and huge hits on "the player," big blue's defense were taking a lot of jumpshots throughout the game. BALLIN!!!!! however, due to the NO FUN LEAGUE's rule of prohibiting group celebrations, every jumpshot was taken solo. (i'd like to put the new nfl commissioner on blast for this NO FUN LEAGUE rule.)

our esteemed colleague, timmy cas, even took the time to call and describe the different jumpshot celebrations the giants d-line had used: the three-point bomb by arrington after the safety, strahan's mid-range jumper after his LT-tying sack, and pierce's free throw stance after tackling julius jones for a loss. good times indeed. BALLIN!!!!!

stay tuned for next week, sports fans, good game between the patriots
and the vikings.

MNF TOUGH SEASON: 1-0

It looks as though Erlose defied the odds to come away with an opening week victory. The deac should never have doubted it. You can call the deac "Lance Armstrong," because he'll be eating crow today.

The No-Win Zone

Today, the deac introduces a new, (hopefully) weekly segment:

THE NO-WIN ZONE - hosted by Erlose

Take it away, Erlose....

tonight's mnf game pits the new york football giants against america's team, the dallas cowboys. according to the deacster, the cowboys are laying 6 points of toughness against the giants because of "the player" aka TO.

this game's a tough one.

on one side, we have "the player," who is super-tough; he played with a bum leg during the super bowl two years, he wasn't the one throwing up (mcnabb, you're a wuss!), and then he called mcnabb out about the puking.

however, i am going with big blue for one reason:

big blue's d-line's jumpshot celebration after every sack or every tackle for a loss right in front of the refs, seemingly in homage to jim jones' song "we fly high"... WE FLY HIGH, NO LIE, YOU KNOW THIS! BAAAALLLLLIN'!!!!!

watch the game and judge for yourself. BAAAALLLLLIN'!!!!!

Thanks, Erlose. To recap:

• Official line: DAL - 3.5
• No-Win Zone line: DAL -6
  
• Erlose's pick: NYG

There you have it, folks. Remember the deac's motto - "If you listen to Erwin, you won't." And you can take THAT to the bank.

Rumors are a tough guy

Word on the street is that the deac was spotted on the corner of 12th and 1st this past Saturday, waiting on line for the 7 o'clock showing of Marie Antoinette. Erroneous! First off, he would not be caught dead watching such a girly, un-tough movie. Secondly, the deac was laying brick and putting up dry wall during the time in question. Tougher deeds were never done, dear reader.

The deac is tired of such ugly rumors swirling around him. The next thing you know, "well-informed experts" will be claiming he likes The Notebook. Ghastly!

A-Rod Jr. is a tough guy

A-Rod Jr. struck out with the bases loaded last night, ending the Mets' World Series hopes. With two outs in the 9th and his team down 2, AJ watched, stunned, as a 2-2 curve found its way into the catcher's mitt. Boy, $15 million dollars just ain't worth what it used to be.

"But, Deac," you ask, "aren't you a Yankee fan?"

Through and through, readers. The reasons why last night's loss hurt are twofold.

1. The loss put Shartwin in the red for the week, effectively destroying any chances we, uh, he had of getting an XBox 360.
   
2. The loss also forced Shar to consume excessive amounts of alcohol, thereby ensuring that he'd knock on everyone's door when he got home.

Let the deac end his rant by declaring A-Rod, Jr. and Aaron Heilman today's tough guys. You've done the deac harm. Now, the deac sics his minions on you. All 4 of them.

Math is a tough guy

For weeks, the deac has been trying to solve this mathematical equation:

Sharting - Farting = x

"What is x?" the deac wondered. Thankfully, Beth was kind enough to provide an answer:

Thank you, Beth.

Hawaii is a tough guy

In keeping with the deac's Hawaiian theme, the deac would like to send a big kine aloha to Mr. and Mrs. Poblete. Enjoy the sarfing, and be sure took get the numbers of any hat cheeks you meet in Starbock's.

Hawaiian Punch is a tough guy

In a recent study, 94% of tough guys polled preferred Hawaiian Punch to water. The study also revealed that the remaining 6% consisted primarily of sufferers of Bromhidrosis.

In summary, Hawaiian Punch: good and good for you.

No tough guys today

Work precludes there being a tough guy today . Tune in tomorrow, though, for a special segment on frogs.

Stacy's Diner is still a tough guy

Tuh-day, at Stacy's Dinah, we're soiving up a 2-fuh-1 special! Get TEW knuckle san'wiches fuh the puh-rice of one! Ew, ew, ew!

Maton lalake si Pareng Nelson

This Friday's tough guy post comes to you straight from Bacolod City, Philippines. Take it away, Pareng Nelson!

Hoy, si Nelson ito, kaibigan mo. Tignan ninyo ang latest hits sa filipino top 40 radio. Yung favorito ko Aksyon Radio. Check out ninyo

Truer words were never spoken.

Borat is a tough guy

Waiting to Inhale is a tough guy

The deac would like to thank the anonymous, treo-using bathroom crapper. This beacon of digestive health just helped the deac break his personal record for fewest breaths taken in a bathroom visit. The previous record was set in the fall of '04, after the now-infamous Taco Bell for lunch/Chipotle for dinner episode.

The Deac is a tough guy

Well, what do you know? The deac himself turned out to be the 1000th visitor. Sucks for you. The prize was an 80GB iPod.

The 1000th visitor will be a tough guy

The deac's hit counter is at 996. The thousandth visitor will receive a special prize. Go ahead. Be tough and try to win.

Stacy...tough once more

Only a tough guy would invite people to a party and not tell them where it is. Thank you, Stacy, for once again reminding the world what tough is.

(9/25/06) : "Yew are cawjally invited to a pawty. It'll be Wednesday, Octobah 11th. Details to follow."

(10/11/06) : "Hope ta see yas tonight! Ew ew ew!"

Gone Before Their Time

Legends gone at 27:

• Jimi Hendrix
  
• Kurt Cobain
• Brian Jones
• Robert Johnson
• Jim Morrison
• Janis Joplin
  

9/10/06 - 10/7/06

Today, we add El Stache to this list. Born in early September, El Stache took New York City by storm. 27 days was all he needed make his way into our hearts and minds. Cut down in his prime, we celebrate the memory of El Stache. Though he is gone, he is not forgotten.

The Yanks are tough guys

The deac thinks the best way to sum up the Yankees' utter collapse against the "overmatched" Tigers is graphically:

The Last Days of Apple Greenback

R.I.P.

Fall is a tough guy

Fall is here, and the deac is glad. Why, you ask?

1. Playoff baseball
2. Halloween
3. Cooler weather, if you catch my draft

Derek Jeter is a tough guy

1.000

Guess what?

The deac and Best Weak Eva are tougher than all of you put together. Why? Well, they've scored FREE tickets to tonight's Yankee game. The streets are filled with the tears and broken dreams of heartbroken fans who couldn't get tickets:

"Wish I had a ticket, nah mean?"