The No-Win Zone...now that's more like it

Erlose lives up to his name and is now 1-1. All is right with the world.

MN 10/30 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 31 MINNESOTA VIKINGS 7

tom brady and the new england patriots threw the ball all over the field to the tune of 372 passing yards in trouncing the minnesota vikings 31-7 last night. apparently, being on the cover of gq, dressing like a homeless guy (as described by tk), and losing your clutch kicker make you even tougher than anyone can imagine.

the loss evens my record to 1-1 on the season. come back next week for a thriller... oakland raiders, hot off a 2-game win streak, visiting the seattle seahawks without madden-cursed shaun "i'm not the third barber triplet" alexander and pro bowl qb matt hasselcrap. how is this good for espn?

Halloween...yummmmmmmm

What's better than Halloween, kids? Nothing. For, on what other day of the year can you, like the deac, see a group of five hat cheeks walk into your office building dressed in what can only be described as handkerchiefs, and not find it unusual?

Sexy time is a tough guy

3 days left!

The No-Win Zone, Week 2

Because no one demanded it, here's Erlose with Week 2 of the No-Win Zone

welcome back, folks! let's see if we can keep up the winning streak on mnf... it will hopefully make up for my putrid 2-4 record yesterday...

first, for our local fans, congratulations to rutgers for winning a somewhat close and ugly game last night against uconn...unfortunately, not covering the spread... but nonetheless, vaulting themselves to a record of 8-0 and to a national ranking of 12,
according to sak's googletalk message.

back to the mnf game... this century's nfl dynasty, the new england patriots, travels to minnesota to face the new purple people eaters in tonight's mnf game. talk about respect, vegas insiders and the deacster have proclaimed the patriots as two-point favorites on the road... namely because of their qb tom brady and their head coach bill belichick.

i pose three quesitons to you, dear reader:

1) how tough can a qb really be when he was featured on the cover of the magazine GQ?

2) how tough can a coach be who only wears oversized hooded sweatshirts?

3) how tough can a team be without the greatest clutch kicker in nfl history?

we will see tonight.

my prediction: the purple people eaters win outright tonight in a tight game 17-16, on a late 43-yd field goal by tough guy of the night ryan longwell.

check back tomorrow.

last week: 1-0
season: 1-0

For those in the audience who have no idea what he's talking about, here's a translation: You should probably be home cooking dinner and making babies.

Hoax III is a tough guy

In two weeks, Hoax III: Anarchy Across New York begins. The first stop will be Madison Square Garden, where the New York Knicks will take on the Cleveland Cavaliers. Other scheduled stops include the 5-borough bar crawl, an off-Broadway play (not the deac's idea), dinosaurs, museums, etc.

The deac and Yoko will be auditioning applicants for the roles of Happy Tree and Tom Servo. Hat cheeks only, please.

Seven more days

Success!

JACK BAUER IS A TOUGH GUY

Jack is back.

And Yoko is on crack.

The Giants are a tough guy

The Giants out-toughed the Dallas Cowboys on Monday Night Football. Here with a recap is Erlose:

MNF 10/23: NY GIANTS 36 DALLAS COWBOYS 22

with the defense posting six sacks, three interceptions, and a safety, the new york football giants crushed america's team 36-22, in the end easily covering vegas and the no-win zone line. with quite a few tackles for a loss, batted passes, and huge hits on "the player," big blue's defense were taking a lot of jumpshots throughout the game. BALLIN!!!!! however, due to the NO FUN LEAGUE's rule of prohibiting group celebrations, every jumpshot was taken solo. (i'd like to put the new nfl commissioner on blast for this NO FUN LEAGUE rule.)

our esteemed colleague, timmy cas, even took the time to call and describe the different jumpshot celebrations the giants d-line had used: the three-point bomb by arrington after the safety, strahan's mid-range jumper after his LT-tying sack, and pierce's free throw stance after tackling julius jones for a loss. good times indeed. BALLIN!!!!!

stay tuned for next week, sports fans, good game between the patriots
and the vikings.

MNF TOUGH SEASON: 1-0

It looks as though Erlose defied the odds to come away with an opening week victory. The deac should never have doubted it. You can call the deac "Lance Armstrong," because he'll be eating crow today.

The No-Win Zone

Today, the deac introduces a new, (hopefully) weekly segment:

THE NO-WIN ZONE - hosted by Erlose

Take it away, Erlose....

tonight's mnf game pits the new york football giants against america's team, the dallas cowboys. according to the deacster, the cowboys are laying 6 points of toughness against the giants because of "the player" aka TO.

this game's a tough one.

on one side, we have "the player," who is super-tough; he played with a bum leg during the super bowl two years, he wasn't the one throwing up (mcnabb, you're a wuss!), and then he called mcnabb out about the puking.

however, i am going with big blue for one reason:

big blue's d-line's jumpshot celebration after every sack or every tackle for a loss right in front of the refs, seemingly in homage to jim jones' song "we fly high"... WE FLY HIGH, NO LIE, YOU KNOW THIS! BAAAALLLLLIN'!!!!!

watch the game and judge for yourself. BAAAALLLLLIN'!!!!!

Thanks, Erlose. To recap:

• Official line: DAL - 3.5
• No-Win Zone line: DAL -6
  
• Erlose's pick: NYG

There you have it, folks. Remember the deac's motto - "If you listen to Erwin, you won't." And you can take THAT to the bank.

Rumors are a tough guy

Word on the street is that the deac was spotted on the corner of 12th and 1st this past Saturday, waiting on line for the 7 o'clock showing of Marie Antoinette. Erroneous! First off, he would not be caught dead watching such a girly, un-tough movie. Secondly, the deac was laying brick and putting up dry wall during the time in question. Tougher deeds were never done, dear reader.

The deac is tired of such ugly rumors swirling around him. The next thing you know, "well-informed experts" will be claiming he likes The Notebook. Ghastly!

A-Rod Jr. is a tough guy

A-Rod Jr. struck out with the bases loaded last night, ending the Mets' World Series hopes. With two outs in the 9th and his team down 2, AJ watched, stunned, as a 2-2 curve found its way into the catcher's mitt. Boy, $15 million dollars just ain't worth what it used to be.

"But, Deac," you ask, "aren't you a Yankee fan?"

Through and through, readers. The reasons why last night's loss hurt are twofold.

1. The loss put Shartwin in the red for the week, effectively destroying any chances we, uh, he had of getting an XBox 360.
   
2. The loss also forced Shar to consume excessive amounts of alcohol, thereby ensuring that he'd knock on everyone's door when he got home.

Let the deac end his rant by declaring A-Rod, Jr. and Aaron Heilman today's tough guys. You've done the deac harm. Now, the deac sics his minions on you. All 4 of them.

Math is a tough guy

For weeks, the deac has been trying to solve this mathematical equation:

Sharting - Farting = x

"What is x?" the deac wondered. Thankfully, Beth was kind enough to provide an answer:

Thank you, Beth.

Hawaii is a tough guy

In keeping with the deac's Hawaiian theme, the deac would like to send a big kine aloha to Mr. and Mrs. Poblete. Enjoy the sarfing, and be sure took get the numbers of any hat cheeks you meet in Starbock's.

Hawaiian Punch is a tough guy

In a recent study, 94% of tough guys polled preferred Hawaiian Punch to water. The study also revealed that the remaining 6% consisted primarily of sufferers of Bromhidrosis.

In summary, Hawaiian Punch: good and good for you.

No tough guys today

Work precludes there being a tough guy today . Tune in tomorrow, though, for a special segment on frogs.

Stacy's Diner is still a tough guy

Tuh-day, at Stacy's Dinah, we're soiving up a 2-fuh-1 special! Get TEW knuckle san'wiches fuh the puh-rice of one! Ew, ew, ew!

Maton lalake si Pareng Nelson

This Friday's tough guy post comes to you straight from Bacolod City, Philippines. Take it away, Pareng Nelson!

Hoy, si Nelson ito, kaibigan mo. Tignan ninyo ang latest hits sa filipino top 40 radio. Yung favorito ko Aksyon Radio. Check out ninyo

Truer words were never spoken.

Borat is a tough guy

Waiting to Inhale is a tough guy

The deac would like to thank the anonymous, treo-using bathroom crapper. This beacon of digestive health just helped the deac break his personal record for fewest breaths taken in a bathroom visit. The previous record was set in the fall of '04, after the now-infamous Taco Bell for lunch/Chipotle for dinner episode.

The Deac is a tough guy

Well, what do you know? The deac himself turned out to be the 1000th visitor. Sucks for you. The prize was an 80GB iPod.

The 1000th visitor will be a tough guy

The deac's hit counter is at 996. The thousandth visitor will receive a special prize. Go ahead. Be tough and try to win.

Stacy...tough once more

Only a tough guy would invite people to a party and not tell them where it is. Thank you, Stacy, for once again reminding the world what tough is.

(9/25/06) : "Yew are cawjally invited to a pawty. It'll be Wednesday, Octobah 11th. Details to follow."

(10/11/06) : "Hope ta see yas tonight! Ew ew ew!"

Gone Before Their Time

Legends gone at 27:

• Jimi Hendrix
  
• Kurt Cobain
• Brian Jones
• Robert Johnson
• Jim Morrison
• Janis Joplin
  

9/10/06 - 10/7/06

Today, we add El Stache to this list. Born in early September, El Stache took New York City by storm. 27 days was all he needed make his way into our hearts and minds. Cut down in his prime, we celebrate the memory of El Stache. Though he is gone, he is not forgotten.

The Yanks are tough guys

The deac thinks the best way to sum up the Yankees' utter collapse against the "overmatched" Tigers is graphically:

The Last Days of Apple Greenback

R.I.P.

Fall is a tough guy

Fall is here, and the deac is glad. Why, you ask?

1. Playoff baseball
2. Halloween
3. Cooler weather, if you catch my draft

Derek Jeter is a tough guy

1.000

Guess what?

The deac and Best Weak Eva are tougher than all of you put together. Why? Well, they've scored FREE tickets to tonight's Yankee game. The streets are filled with the tears and broken dreams of heartbroken fans who couldn't get tickets:

"Wish I had a ticket, nah mean?"

Yoko is a tough guy

Rocketing straight to #1 on the all-time Tough Guy list is Yoko.

• 3:32 PM
• "arghh should've went for the yanks! i hope they LOSE!!"

• 3:49 PM
• "down with the yankeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!"

Please send hate mail to the following address: crazy_broad78@gmail.com

The Playoffs are a tough guy

Today, the New York Yankees begin their quest for a 27th World Series championship. This is usually the time of year that chicks loathe, as episodes of their favorite shows, like The O.C. and Nanny 911, get pre-empted. Well, hat cheeks of the world, when ya can't beats 'em, joins 'em. Let it never be said that the deac never did anything for you. Here is a link to a playoff primer.

Go Yanks!

Alien Abduction is a tough guy

Bab Fobipe was in the lovely state of Arizona last week. Though only gone for one week in earth time, the suddenly hirsute Mr. Fobipe seems to have aged 10 years. When prompted for questioning, Fobipe had no recollection of his alien encounter. The deac will simply have to chalk this one up as another unsolved mystery, similar to the "Who threw up in the Hamilton basement?" fiasco of '98.

Albert Haynesworth is a tough guy

Another week, another copyright infringer. This week's perpetrator: Albert Haynesworth. This ne'er-do-well flaunted decency and sportsmanship, and decided to stomp on an opposing player's face. News flash, tough guy: the deac is the only one officially sanctioned to break faces. As proof positive, behold the deac's most famous victim:

God of War is the champ

God of War, helmed by the mighty God of War, soundly defeated the pitching-hobbled Disabled List for the Real Power Baseball 3 championship. The deac tips his zucchetto to you, tough guy. You now safely reside in the Hall of Tough.